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Commentary

Should Pastors Marry Nonbelieving Couples?

By August 6, 2009June 20th, 20149 Comments

I take it for granted that faithful ministers of the Word understand that we are forbidden to marry couples who are unequally yoked spiritually. Yet as a pastor in a rural area, I often get asked by nonbelieving couples to perform their wedding ceremonies. While many are not willing to go through marriage counseling (thus ending any chance of my performing the ceremony), some willingly submit to this even though they have no interest in spiritual conversations. They are kind of like those people who sit through a three-hour lecture on the benefits of timesharing. They are willing to put up with the lecture in order to enjoy the free weekend at the resort.

Of course, I have heard and personally seen instances where this leads to conversion. At the very least gospel seeds are being planted. Yet my question isn’t about whether or not this or any other activity can be turned into an opportunity for evangelism (certainly it can). The bigger question is whether or not we can justify such a role for ourselves Biblically. Do the principles and teachings of the New Testament lend support to this practice, or do they suggest that such practices are out of bounds for a New Testament minister?

As I see it, we have two points of view:

1. We are justified in marrying a nonbelieving couple. The pastor has a “community role” that is larger than his role to his particular congregation. He represents Christ to the community at large and therefore should seek to engage in those roles and practices where the gospel can be presented (praying at community events, performing weddings, funerals, etc). Since “marriage is honorable in all things,” it is appropriate for a pastor to marry a couple—even if those individuals are unbelieving. We aid the cause of Christ by speaking gospel truth in these events.

2. There is no Biblical justification for a “community role” of a pastor. He is a pastor only within the realm of God’s people. Within the pagan community his primary focus is on evangelism. Performing marriages for nonbelievers is a relic from the church-state blend from which we are to separate ourselves. We are not priests for a community but rather teachers and shepherds for Christ’s flock. A Christian pastor is to provide blessing for those marriages that are centered on Christ. Christless weddings are something in which ministers of the gospel should not be involved. We harm the cause of Christ by performing a ceremony that only gives lip service to Jesus but that ultimately hasn’t even invited Him to the wedding!

Thoughts?

9 Comments

  • David King says:

    Wow, I’m surprised that there have not been any comments on this one yet. I really am thankful for this article because I have also live in a rural area and have had that situation on several occasions. I personally have not married two unbelievers, yet.

    With that said, I will not marry a believer and an unbeliever, and I also require premarital counseling and have had the privilege of leading many to Christ during these times of counseling.

    God ordained marriage and it is a basic building block of every society. If I had two unbelievers that after counseling still did not become believers, but did still desire to have me marry them, I would likely marry them.

    One of the questions that I have posed to unbelieving couples, however, is this…”Why would you want a pastor such as myself marry you, if you have no relationship with God?”

    I think I also scare most of them away when I talk about their need for abstinence before I will marry them:)

  • Greg Long says:

    Bridging off of Dave’s comment…

    Pastors, if you do marry unbelievers, what requirements do you have before you will marry them? Such as…

    Do you require them to attend your church (or another church) while they undergo premarital counseling with you?

    If they are living together, do you require them to separate?

    Do you require them to make any kind of a commitment to chastity until the wedding?

    What restrictions, if any, do you place on activities such as dancing or the presence of alcohol, even if the reception is not held at your church?

  • I am not sure it is the wisest course of action for us to make such demands.

    If the reception is held off of church grounds I have no conditions—which generally means that alcohol flows like the lower Mississippi in Spring. As far as sleeping together goes, why would we draw the line here? It’s their heart which is impure. Abstaining from sex does nothing for their souls. I would rather them be believers before I get them to act like believers.

    With that said, I have very clear discussions about the Bible’s view of sexuality, marriage, family, commitment. In my pre-marital counseling I am firmly and boldly evangelistic (which generally means most turn down my services).

    If we do marry nonbelievers, in my opinion it cannot come with a bunch of restrictions. Either we do it or we shun it. If we marry them, we are marrying unbelievers, not people who are pretending to be Christian for the day.

  • FYI,

    A pastor friend of mine requires that the couple attend church services for 4 weeks in a role, as part of the premarital counseling.

    I actually think that is a really good idea. His theory being that sitting under the word preached is more effective than anything he can say in the counseling sessions. When seen as part of the premarital process, this approach makes great sense.

  • David King says:

    I like the 4 weeks attendance thing, that seems to make sense.

  • He is very strict about it. I know at least one occasion where during the last week before the wedding he told the couple he would not marry them because they did not come to church on the 4th Sunday.

    I do something similar with the other assignments I give during the pre-marital process. If a couple comes in for counseling without their assignment being done then I will end the session and instruct them to schedule an appointment after it is completed. The idea is that if they are not taking their marriage seriously why should I. Before the pre-martial counseling even begins I explain all this an have them sign off in agreement.

  • Jamie Hart says:

    It’s kind of a “sticky wicket” (shout out to the mother land — long live the queen). Our number one goal should be evangelism and agreeing to do the wedding will give a great opportunity to share Christ. As Dave mentioned (can I call you Dave?) the counseling room is a great place to see people come to Christ! So in that case yeah…I’d entertain the idea.
    But on the other hand, if they don’t come to Christ in session 1 or 2, we won’t be going much farther! Biblical counseling does not get very far with unbelievers! How can I help him to love his wife-to-be like Christ loved the church if he has refused to accept Christ’s love? Why would she be willing to submit to him if she can’t understand the church’s submission to Christ…and Christ’s submission to the Father? I don’t see how a marriage without Christ in the center bring Him much glory!

    With that said, I would be very cautious before I started down that pathway. If I did, I would say something to the degree of “I’ll do your counseling, but let’s not commit to a marriage just yet! This is a life-impacting decision. Let’s look at Scripture and see if we can set this marriage up for success. But let’s also be willing to postpone or cancel it if we see God leading us that way.”
    Yep…that’ll bring ’em in!

  • beth casey says:

    I enjoyed reading this article, and as a minister of the gospel, I would never marry couples that were not born again along with the proper fruit of the spirit in their lives.
    Any one can claim anything but you will know them by their fruit.

  • Barbara says:

    This is a big issue within our rural church. I take the unpopular view that the pastor should pretty much marry anyone that asks him to as long as they agree to counseling. I am a leader in the church and was not aware our current pastor would refuse to marry people when he was hired. I will do everything in my power to see we never hire another one that has that personal policy.

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